Friday, 28 December 2012
I've moved to Wordpress
I wish I could use a fancy plug-in or fancy code to redirect you all to the new site with my mind, but I can't, because only Jesus and the tech-nerds (same thing) know how to do that, so instead I'm putting faith in your goodwill and hoping you'll move yourselves over to the new site.
Friday, 16 November 2012
Sunday, 11 November 2012
Friday, 9 November 2012
Tuesday, 9 October 2012
Monday, 1 October 2012
Sunday, 23 September 2012
Thursday, 20 September 2012
Monday, 17 September 2012
Monday, 3 September 2012
Saturday, 1 September 2012
Thursday, 30 August 2012
Wednesday, 22 August 2012
Chronic Hair Dissatisfaction
I have a condition. It’s a self-diagnosis, the doctors
cannot help me. No one can help me.
Except maybe the salon.
Yes, my condition is chronic hair dissatisfaction.
It’s as much a medical condition as it is an addiction,
kinda like Beiber Fever. They say the first step into recovery is to admit when
you have a problem. Well internet, I have a problem – I hate my hair, all the
time. Even when I think I like my hair, deep down, I know it’s a lie.
How do I know? Zooey Deschanel, that’s how.
Because whenever I watch New Girl, and her character Jess
comes skipping into view, all I see is that perfect mane of curls and bangs.
And then it hits me – my hair will never be that glorious.
 |
| Look at how her magnificent hair mocks me! |
I find myself, afterwards, looking into the mirror and
giving my hair the old Taxi Driver monologue: ‘You talkin’ to me? ARE YOU
TALKIN’ TO ME?’
Obviously, my hair isn’t talking to me. So you can see why I
have a problem.
Perhaps in order for you to understand my problem better, I
should illustrate the female dynamic of hair. There are three kinds of women
when it comes to hair.
1) Princess Hair: These are the girls that were once told at
the age of six, what pretty, pretty hair they have and have ever since been
getting their rocks off to Rapunzel. It’s easy to spot these kinds of women,
they’re the ones with hair so long that they’re starting to resemble cousin It
– only sexier. I’ve often found myself staring at these long haired goddesses
with burning envy, but that thick mane comes with a price.
To these women, hair is no longer hair, but the source of
all their power. They’re the Samson’s with tits. All it takes it one bad
haircut, one hair dye mishap, one piece of gum, and their whole world goes to
shit. Evidence of this phenomenon has been gathered on that most journalistic
of television shows – Americas Next Top Model.
Every season Princess Hair women are broken by Tyra Banks
with those fatal words: ‘I want you to look like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s
Baby’.
(This is the point where I stopped writing this blog post
and let it stew in my ‘saved’ folder for a few weeks. What was I talking about?
Women? Hair? God, this shit is professional.)
2) Lisa and Bart Simpson Hair: No not spiky out of control
hair, but hair, that like the Simpson’s children, does not change – EVER! Not
even after over a decade of broadcasting, they remain EXACTLY.THE.SAME. You
know the type. This is the girl who got a fringe cut in at the start of high
school and has ever since had that fringe, even at her funeral.
 |
| Classic example is Mara Wilson, who's breast size has changed more than her hair. |
These women try to disguise their issues with change, that
was caused by their parents’ divorce, by trying to make you think they actually
change their hair. Here’s a small guide on who to see through their bullshit.
“I’m getting my haircut.” I’m having a trim.
“I want to change my hair.” I want a trim.
“I’m going to just go mad at the salon!” I’m getting a trim.
3) The final type of woman is me. And by that I mean, the
Mystique Hair. Like Mystique (you know, the naked blue chick from X-Men. Nerd
boner, right?) myself and the rest of the women in this category, feel the
constant need to change our hair. Usually in response to the hair around us.
For example, after seeing a picture of Carey Muligan on
tumblr, I cut all my hair off to look like her.
The problem: Now that I have no hair, I’m now a little
constrained by whose hair I can copy. Which is a real problem, because I’ll be
watching the TV and Gossip Girl will come on and... oh...my...god... Those
bitches have fantastic hair. Fantastic long hair that I can’t imitate because I
don’t have any money for extensions and hair growing, like, takes ages. Who knew,
right?
Mystique hair is defiantly the most exhausting type of
hair/mental problem to have, because you can never feel satisfied by the mess
of follicles on your head. One day you’ll be okay with your hair, the next you’ll
want to stick it in bleach.
But deep down inside, no matter, what kind of girl you are
when it comes to hair, at least we can all acknowledge one thing. Bitches be
crazy when it comes to hair.
Also, I should never let my blog posts stew for two weeks
because tangents are hard to pick up after so long, much like hookers.
Sunday, 19 August 2012
Surfing and Camping Holiday in Cornwall
I wish I had more pictures to share with you from my holiday but sadly surfing isn't really a sport that allows me to take my digital camera out with me. Luckily, I think this Billabong video is a good reflection of what my holiday was all about - only, you know, in a hotter place, with better looking girls, and actual surfing skills. As opposed to me who spent most of the holiday on her face in the sea. But apart from ALL THAT this video and me - SAME THING!
Wednesday, 8 August 2012
Monday, 6 August 2012
Wednesday, 1 August 2012
Sunday, 29 July 2012
Tuesday, 24 July 2012
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