I have a condition. It’s a self-diagnosis, the doctors cannot help me. No one can help me.
Except maybe the salon.
Yes, my condition is chronic hair dissatisfaction.
It’s as much a medical condition as it is an addiction, kinda like Beiber Fever. They say the first step into recovery is to admit when you have a problem. Well internet, I have a problem – I hate my hair, all the time. Even when I think I like my hair, deep down, I know it’s a lie.
How do I know? Zooey Deschanel, that’s how.
Because whenever I watch New Girl, and her character Jess comes skipping into view, all I see is that perfect mane of curls and bangs. And then it hits me – my hair will never be that glorious.
|Look at how her magnificent hair mocks me!|
I find myself, afterwards, looking into the mirror and giving my hair the old Taxi Driver monologue: ‘You talkin’ to me? ARE YOU TALKIN’ TO ME?’
Obviously, my hair isn’t talking to me. So you can see why I have a problem.
Perhaps in order for you to understand my problem better, I should illustrate the female dynamic of hair. There are three kinds of women when it comes to hair.
1) Princess Hair: These are the girls that were once told at the age of six, what pretty, pretty hair they have and have ever since been getting their rocks off to Rapunzel. It’s easy to spot these kinds of women, they’re the ones with hair so long that they’re starting to resemble cousin It – only sexier. I’ve often found myself staring at these long haired goddesses with burning envy, but that thick mane comes with a price.
To these women, hair is no longer hair, but the source of all their power. They’re the Samson’s with tits. All it takes it one bad haircut, one hair dye mishap, one piece of gum, and their whole world goes to shit. Evidence of this phenomenon has been gathered on that most journalistic of television shows – Americas Next Top Model.
Every season Princess Hair women are broken by Tyra Banks with those fatal words: ‘I want you to look like Mia Farrow in Rosemary’s Baby’.
(This is the point where I stopped writing this blog post and let it stew in my ‘saved’ folder for a few weeks. What was I talking about? Women? Hair? God, this shit is professional.)
2) Lisa and Bart Simpson Hair: No not spiky out of control hair, but hair, that like the Simpson’s children, does not change – EVER! Not even after over a decade of broadcasting, they remain EXACTLY.THE.SAME. You know the type. This is the girl who got a fringe cut in at the start of high school and has ever since had that fringe, even at her funeral.
|Classic example is Mara Wilson, who's breast size has changed more than her hair.|
These women try to disguise their issues with change, that was caused by their parents’ divorce, by trying to make you think they actually change their hair. Here’s a small guide on who to see through their bullshit.
“I’m getting my haircut.” I’m having a trim.
“I want to change my hair.” I want a trim.
“I’m going to just go mad at the salon!” I’m getting a trim.
3) The final type of woman is me. And by that I mean, the Mystique Hair. Like Mystique (you know, the naked blue chick from X-Men. Nerd boner, right?) myself and the rest of the women in this category, feel the constant need to change our hair. Usually in response to the hair around us.
For example, after seeing a picture of Carey Muligan on tumblr, I cut all my hair off to look like her.
The problem: Now that I have no hair, I’m now a little constrained by whose hair I can copy. Which is a real problem, because I’ll be watching the TV and Gossip Girl will come on and... oh...my...god... Those bitches have fantastic hair. Fantastic long hair that I can’t imitate because I don’t have any money for extensions and hair growing, like, takes ages. Who knew, right?
Mystique hair is defiantly the most exhausting type of hair/mental problem to have, because you can never feel satisfied by the mess of follicles on your head. One day you’ll be okay with your hair, the next you’ll want to stick it in bleach.
But deep down inside, no matter, what kind of girl you are when it comes to hair, at least we can all acknowledge one thing. Bitches be crazy when it comes to hair.
Also, I should never let my blog posts stew for two weeks because tangents are hard to pick up after so long, much like hookers.